An interview with Marlon F. Dume regarding his upbringing by his two mothers and how their influence sculpted his view on the world.
How did your mums explain their relationship to you?
I knew that my childhood was not the ‘norm’. Both of my mothers have a background in psychology and sociology, and they told me that my upbringing was not identical to everyone else’s, ‘You’ve got two mums, some people have two dads. Some have one of each, some only one and some none.’ They didn’t look at me and say, ‘You’re strange, mate.’ They taught me that no one’s upbringing was identical. What’s more, they never sat me down and explained their relationship to me. They never said that my father was missing, but simply set out that the two of them were my parents, and that we were a unit. I think that’s why I am so okay with growing up without a prominent father figure. The situation was not that a father had walked away from his responsibilities but had instead only ever intended on being a sperm donor, so there was no loss. You do not need one father and one mother to teach you everything. Both mothers took it upon themselves to teach me their skills, be them typically masculine or feminine, which has equipped me well from cooking to DIY.
"You do not need one father and one mother to teach you everything."
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How did your mums explain the outside perspective to their relationship?
I think both of my mothers are powerful people. Their sexuality is not their main persona, and often rarely relevant in the spheres they operate in. For example, one of my mothers would define herself as a work orientated woman before anything else! They never told me that they were seen as outsiders, or different in any way. I never knew, and still don’t know, of any incidences where they were targeted for their sexuality - not necessarily because it never happened, but it was rare and small if it did. Their work and social circles were incredibly open and welcoming. I would also argue that my mothers are very strong women, and not one’s to pick fights with! There was a conversation that one mum had with me just before starting secondary school when I was 11; it took me completely by surprise, but she is often quite unfiltered when talking about things on her mind. She said, ‘Listen. If this does happen and people pick on you for having two mums, then you can tell people that I’m your auntie if you’d like.’ I told her that she wasn’t my auntie, that she was my mum and that was that. I wasn’t going to be ashamed of my parents, even if they thought it would make life easier.
"I told her that she wasn’t my auntie, that she was my mum and that was that."
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What were the values of the Queer influences you had growing up?
I’ve had more Queer influence than most, in that my older brother is gay, as well as several extended members of my family. My mums have noted that I get along better with women than a lot of men they’ve interacted with. They say that I’m also better at talking to old people and babies too though, so read into that what you will! I’m not as ‘creepy’ as other men I’ve interacted with, where sometimes I find their behaviour and language around women jarring. I didn’t have that stereotypical dad figure. In my head, most fathers (of course not all I’ve met) are the stereotypical pint drinking, lay-z-boy, dirty vest wearing, saying, ‘Look at the f****** tits on her!’
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In that same vein, are you grateful you didn’t have one?
I couldn’t tell you. I enjoy typically masculine things, but I have an appreciation for the struggles of femininity from watching my mothers, and I think therefore I find it easier than most to empathise. One mother did quite a lot to mature me, as our conversations have always been very direct, needing a maturer approach in order to communicate. My other mother wanted me to experience as many different cultures as possible - drilling in the lesson that I am not unique in isolation, but that all humans are unique and valid. This exposure never equated to a culture-shock, but acted as tasters from a young age that made me more appreciative of living in a multi-cultured, multi-gendered society. The only prejudice my mothers encouraged was to be fearful of big dogs! But when it came to people - much like they did not define themselves by one label - I was taught the complex nature of humanity, that nothing can be forced into a binary.
"Drilling in the lesson that I am not unique in isolation, but that all humans are unique and valid."
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Anything to add about Queer influences growing up?
My mums didn’t really push Queer artists in particular. As I said earlier, the sexuality of my parents was never used to define anything in my upbringing. I think my parents escaped a lot of bullying and oppression because of this, as did I. Having two mums was never a ‘thing’ and therefore none of us were ever targeted, because there was no target there. It was not promoted or hidden, but allowed to just be. They didn’t surround themselves or me with Queer-only role-models. I think that when sexuality is the first thing you know about someone then it can be used to define them, which is what my parents didn’t want. They never defined themselves as any label to me, other than as my mums.
"They never defined themselves as any label to me, other than as my mums."
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Did your parents assume any sexuality you had?
They never anticipated anything in regards to my sexuality. They actually never explained anything to me in that vein until after I started dating my girlfriend at 13. To this day, they have never spoken directly to me about being gay/straight/bi/asexual. We had ‘the talk’ once I started dating my girlfriend, but that was more around safety than anything else. I don’t know if they had these conversations with my older brother, who is gay. When he was younger he tried to hide his boyfriend and went as far as to introduce a false girlfriend to my mums. My brother and his boyfriend’s relationship was definitely not discouraged by mothers, so why he tried to hide a boyfriend from two gay mums I’ll never know.
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What effect did their split have on you growing up?
Despite my parents splitting, they still remain incredibly good friends, which is not something I’ve seen much of in films about separated partners raising a child. They have their troubles but are very good communicators and continue to act as a supportive parental team. It always felt like they were my mothers even when they weren’t together, no feeling of ex’s, no coldness between them. I was glue holding these two different women together, and they will always both be my mums. Despite sharing blood with one only, I am related just as strongly to both, and accept the heritage that they give me.
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Do you enjoy talking about this?
I understand that it’s interesting but I’m just not that interested. Of course I find it nice when people are interested in my life, but I always find it so boring - it’s my normal. I don’t usually have the opportunity to talk about this stuff, not because I’m encouraged not to, I just don’t see my childhood as interesting. There is no ‘normal’, mine is just another upbringing. I don’t see myself as unique or special. I know that it is quite different to others, but I’m not particularly interested in that, because I don’t want ‘having two mums’ to be my defining characteristic to others. That being said, I like to normalise it for the wider society, and I can’t say that catching people off guard sometimes isn’t a bit fun. Telling people that are shocked by it provides an opportunity to start a conversation, and I like to think that my approachable manner means that the conversation can be productive.
"There is no ‘normal’, mine is just another upbringing."
Article Written by Rose Grimwood (Interviewer) (She/Her)
and Marlon F. Dume (Interviewee) (He/Him)
Photo Artist: Emily Broadwell (She/Her)