An anecdote about coming out, being an ally, and supporting the people who matter to you.
I’ve often wondered whether our straight allies appreciate how difficult it is to come out as queer.
But recently in a ‘gay bar’ I met a group of Gen-Z ‘lads’ who gave me hope that attitudes really are changing and coming out as LGB* might be a little bit easier for the generation that follows mine.
One of the group clocked (let’s call him Jack for the story) me wearing a rainbow t-shirt in a gay bar during Pride Month, and rightly assumed I was part of the LGBTQIA+ community, so he came to ask for my advice. Jack explained that one of the friends he was with had never really had a girlfriend or shown much interest in the opposite sex, and they wondered if he was gay. He went on to explain that they were fine with their friend not being straight, but they didn’t know how to approach the subject and they’d brought him to a gay bar (as a group) to subtly show him that they were accepting and he could come out to them. So, what Jack and the group in general wanted to know is how they could make it easier for him to come out to them and how they can respond in the right way.
"Jack and the group in general wanted to know is how they could make it easier for him to come out to them and how they can respond in the right way."
I thought it was such a great attitude to have. When you grow up in a straight group of friends it can be difficult to feel comfortable talking to them about your attraction to the opposite sex and different genders after coming out. There’s the general lack of understanding, the lack of appreciation for how scary and difficult the queer community can find coming out, and not to forget the invasive questions about your sex life - who hasn’t been asked ‘how it works’?
It certainly was a very frustrating experience when I came out during my developmental years. The ignorance was more than frustrating. I don't know how good LGBTQIA+ education is in schools now, but from my memory it was none existent - no thanks to Section 28, which was only repealed two years before I started secondary school. Which meant knowledge of LGBTQIA+ issues was non-existent, and homophobia was still rife - I remember ‘that’s gay’ still being a very popular expression during my school years.
Which all made my coming out experience very difficult. After telling three of my close female friends, which was relatively easy, I decided to tell my straight male best friend. Which did not go down well at all, there was a lack of understanding to say the least and aggressive confusion. I managed to talk my friend around in the end, but there was no willingness to understand at first and certainly no understanding of how difficult that was for me to do. Before I could figure out how to tell the rest of my friends, including my friendship group of both straight girls and boys, I was outed on the first day back from Christmas break in my final year of secondary school.
It was a very traumatic experience, and at just 16 I was faced with a barrage of questions about my sexuality and sex life I was not at all ready for. So that’s why it was so refreshing to meet a group of young lads so concerned about how they could help their friend come out, and what to say and do if he did.
For the allies, who may be in the same position that Jack is in, that are reading this, here are some of the words of wisdom I gave Jack: I explained that his friend’s perceived lack of interest in the opposite gender may not necessarily mean he was gay but it could be simply be low confidence, or he may not even be interested in sex at all and may even be asexual, or he could still be figuring it all out and may yet to have found a label that fits how he feels. But the overall message was of patience, understanding, and respect. And my parting words were: if he does end up coming out as gay/queer to you, for the love of god don’t ask him which one of the group he fancies the most.
*I’ve purposely used LGB here, as I feel lesbian, gay, and bisexual are more commonly understood labels.
Article Written By Jody Hill
(They/Them)