A discussion about trying to find yourself amongst a heritage that is always asking for more.
It has always been difficult to identify as something when you don’t feel like enough. I never felt Jewish enough, or Orthodox enough, or English enough, or Bi enough, or just anything, really. My father’s side of the family is Sephardic, meaning they fled Spain during the Inquisition and kept country hopping until they found temporary safety in South Africa in the mid-1800s (in my family’s case). Although I learned as much about my father’s faith as I could, I was never considered Jewish because it is a matrilineal heritage. I was also never considered Orthodox through my mother because Christianity is passed through a patrilineal heritage. I just tried to learn and participate in the holidays and traditions as much as I could, whether it was Yom Kippur or Easter. I wanted to feel closer to my father and his family, or maybe just gain a sense of belonging.
"I wanted to feel closer to my father and his family, or maybe just gain a sense of belonging."
It was genuinely frightening when I realised that I had a crush on a straight girl friend - I can still remember the exact moment it hit me. If I had any artistic ability, I would paint the field and the look on her face when she asked me if I was okay, and the instant confusion and dread when my heart started pounding. I don’t entirely know when I first found out about the existence of ‘anything other than straight’, but at the time I was scared because nobody talked about it! Especially in an Orthodox and aggressively traditional country. I was fourteen then, and I am twenty now, but it’s still something I am learning to confront. I still have been unable to be who I am around anybody but my sister and occasionally my mother – who sometimes tries to educate herself but slips back into old ways often. I’d been outed at my school without knowing and though many people distanced themselves from me, I had no idea why. I just woke up one day and suddenly people were moving away from me, people would whisper around me and I didn’t know what about. I dated the first boy who gave me any attention, even though I definitely still liked the other girl at the time and was actively trying to repress it. We broke up pretty quick. I still pretended that everything was fine for a sense of normalcy, but it felt scary knowing that my father spewed bigoted opinions constantly, as did most of the adults around me. Though I can say I found comfort through many of my friends throughout school turning out to be LGBT+. I’ve had to pretend to be straight in my home country and I tend to overcompensate when at university; trying to sneak the topic of liking girls into every first conversation. I think that I wanted to prove to everyone and myself that I was bi enough.
"At the time I was scared because nobody talked about it!"
I know labels can be harmful, but I think all I want is something to define myself by, to find comfort in, and to find some people who are the same. I want to feel as though I belong somewhere, with other people. But if I’m not Jewish or if I’m not Orthodox, if I’m not Romanian or if I’m not South African, who am I? What am I? What am I if not enough of anything that makes me up? It does take constant reminders to hammer in that my religion or country, which are both me making an effort to feel close to my parents and extended family, is never going to be all that I am.
I know labels are never going to be all that I am but it does take constant reminders for it to sink in that, regardless of who I like or who my parents are, I am enough.
"Regardless of who I like or who my parents are, I am enough."
Article Written By AS.