A story of same-sex love spanning cultures, continents and in the middle of a pandemic!
My girlfriend, Zuena, and I met each other just over a year ago. We lived and worked together overseas, and quickly developed a connection. We became close friends for a few weeks, before beginning a relationship. It was of the utmost importance that this remained a secret, for multiple reasons. Firstly, there was a blanket ban on relationships between colleagues, so to share with others meant we risked being dismissed, and therefore separated. Secondly, it had not been long since Zuena had realised she was not straight and therefore was nowhere near ready to come out. Thirdly, and most crucially, the country’s legislation and mainstream social attitudes were often hostile towards homosexuality. It is seen by many as an imperialist idea that the West wants to push on the rest of the world, politicising our relationship and making it about much more than just me and Zuena. As a young person who had grown up going to Pride parades and been surrounded by the LGBTQ+ community, this environment was very different to the one I was used to.
To an extent, I enjoyed the secrecy of our relationship. It was completely new territory for us both. Having something that was just mine and Zuena’s took the pressure off and allowed us to move at our own pace without the attention of others. We fell for each other quickly, and our happiness levels rocketed. However, the clock was constantly ticking over our heads, as our contract would soon come to an end. I couldn’t imagine life without her, but wasn’t sure how I’d cope with the thousands of miles which would soon come between us. Zuena brought up the inevitable goodbye more than once, but I couldn’t bear thinking about it and my solution was always to deal with it closer to the time. Unfortunately, that time came much sooner than either of us had expected. Coronavirus cut short the experience by one month and, with very little notice, all UK staff members were sent back home. It was a brutal, and extremely emotional, end to what had been an incredible few weeks. As we snuck in a final kiss at the toilets outside the airport, I was determined to see Zuena again.
And thus began, our long-distance relationship. This brought both ups and downs. We had the daily battle for stable internet connection, keeping the messages and phone calls secret from her family, even seeing her at all for a while was rare as one place she lived at had no lights and day-time calls were difficult. There was the time difference to consider, which wasn’t unbearable, but was inconvenient. Then there were the issues that most long-distance couples must face. General life getting in the way (e.g. her moving house and me starting university), those days and nights of loneliness, and having this whole new world in each of our bedrooms which no one else fully knew about or belonged to. There was the challenge of having to create a whole physical relationship through words alone, which took a lot of practice. I missed eye contact, and my imagination was stretched to its limits as we’d kiss through the phone screen, desperately holding onto those special memories from the past. Throughout it all, there was this bittersweet feeling. The happier we were in our bubble of phone calls, the harder and sadder it was to accept the distance. To accept the fact that, for the time-being at least, the physical companionship we craved from one another was unattainable.
"The happier we were in our bubble of phone calls, the harder and sadder it was to accept the distance."
Regardless of the obstacles, our bond remained strong. Long video calls kept us close. Listening to music, watching Friends, and reading stories together kept an essence of normality. Having a milestone for any long-distance relationship is crucial I think. And for us, it was December 2020. It was a long shot but I desperately wanted her to come and stay with me in the UK. We both longed to be together and to be ourselves, which did not seem possible in her country.
I’d been warned about how the privilege I have as a British citizen, to pick any country and be able to visit it, does not extend to everyone. The UK government makes it far from easy for people from ‘developing countries’ to obtain visas to enter the country, even as a tourist. Therefore, Zuena and I took it seriously and gave the application process our all. Ruthlessly thorough documentation was required from Zuena. The forms needed seemingly endless information about her living situation, financial position, family members, reasons for travelling, and employment history. The application process dominated our lives for a few weeks, consuming a great deal of thought, energy, and money. Despite trying not to get my hopes up, I couldn’t help but let my mind wander to scenarios where we’d succeed. She’d meet my friends and family and we could explore some of the UK together. It was at this point we saw a rare interaction between our families. Understandably, her Mum needed reassurance that her daughter would be safe in the UK, so my Mum got in touch and they exchanged messages. I was delighted when Zuena reported that her Mum liked us.
However, I also couldn’t shake this feeling of slight guilt that we were deceiving her. It’s not as if I was ashamed of mine and Zuena’s love. But the fact that her mother strongly opposed homosexuality on religious grounds, and would be horrified by the idea of her daughter dating a woman, made me uneasy. There was no version of events where Zuena coming out at this point would end well, so we didn’t have a choice but to pretend we were good friends. We submitted the application late one night, and hoped for the best.
A few weeks later we got a response. We were met bluntly with the line – ‘Your application for a visa to the UK has been refused’. It was a huge disappointment, made worse by the nature of the letter which excessively emphasised how the British Home Office ‘was not satisfied’ that Zuena’s intentions were genuine. The letter seemed lazy, missing out full stops and capital letters, which, after the effort we’d put in, was especially painful. One of the issues was even that there was too much money in the account, so they didn’t believe it was Zuena’s to use. The glaring inequalities between this, and the visa process for me to visit her country, were infuriating. Whereas I was welcomed with open arms and simply collected my visa upon arrival, Zuena was treated with distrust and suspicion. Supposedly, she would do anything to stay in the UK once arriving and had no incentive to return to her homeland.
"Whereas I was welcomed with open arms and simply collected my visa upon arrival, Zuena was treated with distrust and suspicion."
Following the rejection of Plan A, I set my sights on Plan B – reuniting in Zuena’s country. Not seeing each other was just not an option at this point. I was extremely apprehensive seeing as I could barely even catch a bus on time, let alone travel to another continent on my own. Still, I was determined to make it work. Come Christmas 2020, however, and the UK’s Covid situation was looking critical. The new strain had been discovered in South-East England and news of the South African variant was also ringing alarm bells. The most difficult task of the mission was getting my negative Covid test result within 96 hours of flying. Huge delays to the postal service over Christmas and bank holidays around the festive period meant that it wouldn’t be possible to leave on my original departure date. I figured the new year would be my best bet. However, with the increasing pressure to go into lockdown and tier 4 being introduced across the country, I feared I would miss the window to travel by mere days. Looking at all my options, I realised I needed to change my flight to four days’ time. To guarantee receiving my results, this would mean driving halfway up the country to deliver the Covid test myself, before 8am. Thankfully, I’m blessed with two hugely supportive parents, who agreed with my plan. So, leaving at 3am, my Dad and I completed over 500 miles in under 12 hours, through torrential rain. More-or-less at the same time I received an email later that day to confirm I was free from Coronavirus and fit to fly it was announced that my area would be going into tier 4. It seemed like luck was not on our side. Right until the day, I was conflicted about what to do, wanting to go so desperately but unsure if it was impossibly crazy. In the end, I felt I just had to give it a go. At least, if I had to change my plans unexpectedly, we’d have tried. So, the day dawned and I was on my way to the airport. A little terrified but ready to fly across the world. And most importantly, to be with Zuena.
My flight landed post-curfew hours, so the whole city was a ghost town. I was elated to have made it, and could finally focus all my attention on meeting Zuena. We’d always imagined it being a case of her greeting me. However, this was not to be. I arrived at the apartment first. The night and next day couldn’t go fast enough, until I got a WhatsApp from Zuena saying: ‘I’m here’. As I walked down the hall, I could see her suitcase at the gate but not her. Then I realised, she was hiding from me. Despite speaking to each other every day on the phone for nine months, she was shy. And I could understand why. We’d both imagined the reunion so many times, it was hard to believe it was really happening. However, when we hugged, those niggling fears and doubts subsided. I didn’t know where to start. It had been such a long time coming, there were a million things I wanted to do and say. But when it came to it, all I was capable of was smiling and staring at her. Trying to take everything in.
"When it came to it, all I was capable of was smiling and staring at her."
It took a while for us both to shake off that feeling that we were in a dream, and that at any moment we might wake up. I’ve found there’s an ongoing process of learning things about each other in a relationship, and for us we were relearning many things as well. But being together felt extremely natural and easy from the start. Living together with the freedom to explore each other and new surroundings for us both was amazing. I didn’t think it was possible to meet someone that I could genuinely never run out of things to talk and laugh about, yet here we were. All the seemingly mundane and unremarkable things about day-to-day life became exciting, fun and memorable. A personal highlight of the trip was having the opportunity to bridge the gap between those important to me back home, and Zuena. She got on well with my family and friends, and was no longer this unknown person that was a key part of my life but a mystery to others. It was a big step forward. Connecting the two worlds I belonged to allowed me to feel more real, and more close, to both of them.
Stepping into her world was also surreal, to see the places she’d grown up in and went about her day-to-day life in. It felt as if I’d stepped through the looking glass. For this reason, it was a totally different experience to my last trip here. Of course, we’d have the occasional fight, but to me it was a sign of our closeness that I could argue and be mad at her. It was in a way I couldn’t be with anyone else. For the majority of the time, we never dared express our love openly. When we did it was with paranoid stares around to make sure no one was there, or under the cover of darkness. One of the reasons we attracted a fair bit of attention was over the confusion I triggered about my gender. People have struggled to figure out what I identify as for most of my life, so it’s something I’m sort of used to by now. In this case, it actually worked in our favour sometimes as we could pass as a straight couple if I was dressed in baggy clothes. In an ideal world, this would not be our preferred solution of course, but we just weren’t ready to deal with the public response to being a gay couple in a society which strongly disapproves of us. I was also cautious as, at the end of the day, I would get to fly home to a place where LGBTQ+ people are respected, and I could be with a family who I can be honest with. Zuena doesn’t have that luxury.
"We just weren’t ready to deal with the public response to being a gay couple in a society which strongly disapproves of us."
Me and Zuena had one glorious month and a half together. In this case, the pandemic and online learning was a huge help as it meant I could study from overseas. However, the risk of being subjected to an extortionately expensive hotel quarantine policy in the UK meant that the adventure had to come to an end. Although we could contentedly say we’d made the most of our time together and wouldn’t change a thing, saying goodbye was still hugely emotional and difficult. Just as we started to get used to the taste of life together, we were thrown back into reality. We dreaded the return to a long-distance relationship. Seeing miniature versions of each other through a screen only, so close yet so far. There was also a part of me that felt guilty, for the life I was able to return home to versus Zuena’s more isolated struggle. She’s strong, so I knew she’d be okay. But it wasn’t easy and again I’d become filled with pride and admiration for my girlfriend.
We’d prepared ourselves to say goodbye but, in the end, it still felt rushed. The queue to get into the airport was long, so there were people everywhere, and security officers were watching everyone with sharp eyes to make sure we remained in single file. We didn’t get that final moment of privacy that we craved. There was an overwhelming sense of déjà vu as I got flashbacks to our previous teary goodbye at this spot, almost a year before. Suddenly, there was a tight hug, a hasty kiss through our masks and a last, long stare. Then she was walking away. I was in a daze, and felt like crumbling, but held myself together through security, desperately fighting the lump in my throat. After a short delay, I boarded the plane and made it to the UK smoothly.
Upon landing, there was a feeling inside me which was stronger than last time. Although I was returning to my friends, family and birthplace, I belonged wherever Zuena was. Of course I was happy to see my family again, but the homecoming was tainted with sadness. I felt detached from England, like something was missing. I dreamt of the day I could return here with Zuena, and we needn’t ever worry about saying goodbye.
"Although I was returning to my friends, family and birthplace, I belonged wherever Zuena was."
Now, I realise how the word ‘bittersweet’ described a lot of our relationship. Despite being overjoyed when one of us achieves success in our own country, it inevitably means more commitments at home. Thus, it is much harder for the two of us to reunite. I find myself wondering why time seemed to be in such a hurry to pass us by when we were together, yet when we’re apart the minutes drag on for hours? Things like this article and my university course help me feel closer to Zuena through work, so I keep myself busy. Meanwhile, she’s been moving house and preparing to start working, so also has a lot to keep her hands full. We’re always thinking about when the next possible time for us to see each other will be.
To finish up, I’ll say that in many ways our relationship is complicated, due to the nature of loving across cultures, continents, and Coronavirus. However, at the same time, it’s so simple. It’s just a case of being there for each other. And I have to give credit to the age of technology we live in, as it’s highly unlikely we’d be here without it. I don’t know how mine and Zuena’s story will go from here, but I’m hoping for the best and I know we’ll do everything in our power to make it work. Regardless of whether it ends in tears of happiness or sadness, I’ll never regret the times we’ve shared and the close bond we’ve created.
Article Written By Jaya Fox
(She/Her)