An exploration into the impact of compulsory heterosexuality and what that means for being a queer woman.
What does it truly mean to be in a sapphic relationship? I wish I had a definitive answer to this question. A question that at first glance seems like a regular inquiry but when truly thought about holds a lot of weight…
It took me a long time to come to terms with my sexuality, not because of shame or societal pressures or that I actively wanted to deny who I was but because of a dreaded thing called ‘compulsory heterosexuality’. Unfortunately, I simply wouldn’t have enough space to really delve into the actuality of compulsory heterosexuality so I guess I’ll settle for a quick overview of an experience that I’m sure many women loving women (‘wlw’) will be able to relate to heavily. However, if you would like to read about it in more depth I recommend reading the infamous ’lesbian masterdoc’, although warning, it is prone to induce some very personal realisations!
As women we are raised in a way that centres around men, without ever even asking we are taught what men find appealing, what personality traits they admire, to crave and actively seek out their love and affection. Not to mention being exposed to a system of global marketing which is ultimately catered to the male gaze. Then before we know it, through no choice of our own, we are harpooned with our own internal male gaze and internalised misogyny, the patriarchy sucks right? Tie this with the overwhelming quantity of heteronormative media we consume throughout our lives and you’re left with a pretty confusing reality for those that aren’t sure whether they ever really ‘want a man’. How do you separate yourself from the ideals that have been fed to you ever since you can remember? How do you separate yourself from a system that is ultimately ingrained into your consciousness?
"How do you separate yourself from the ideals that have been fed to you ever since you can remember?"
So, you start to date men - it’s what you’re supposed to do right! But you find that your relationships don’t quite have that “spark”, but that’s okay because they tell you: you haven’t found the ‘right’ man yet, the one that’s going to sweep you off your feet. Or flirting with men or being around them in a romantic sense makes you feel anxious, but it's just classic ‘butterflies’ and they tell you that’s how you’re supposed to feel at the beginning of a romantic encounter. All of these things are just a few examples of how compulsory heterosexuality can warp your perception of your own romantic and sexual attraction, convincing you that eventually things will click into place because that's what society deems as ‘socially acceptable’. Going through this and seeing your friends have seemingly normal romantic and sexual encounters can make you begin to blame yourself, are your standards too high? Are you simply cold hearted? These are all things that I began to think about myself, maybe I was just emotionally unavailable and it was my own baggage preventing me from having a connection with anyone. It wasn’t until I entered adulthood that I began to explore the concept of compulsory heterosexuality and allowed myself to unlearn years of social conditioning and began to understand who I am.
Now you’re an adult, your adolescence has since passed and you’ve had that life altering realisation that you’re a lesbian and/or you want to pursue romantic relationships with women. You’re filled with a sense of relief because this is it, now you can seek out that emotional fulfilment that was lacking before you discovered your true self. But where do you begin? You’re an adult who hasn’t experienced a truly meaningful relationship or sexual encounter. Now you’re faced with the complication that so many of your straight peers began their dating journey in their adolescence. They spent their teenage years exploring and making mistakes and are now settling into long term and serious relationships, meanwhile you’re yet to experience many of those classic ‘firsts’ or if you have it wasn’t with your person of preferred gender. This is where I am currently, moving into a dating scene that I am yet to learn how to navigate, filled with uncertainty and with very few resources to help me along the way.
The reality is so many wlw come out later in life and are then plagued with fear that they have missed out on years of exploration and there is now this humongous pressure on them to figure it all out immediately, a task that I would say is near impossible. But what we don’t realise is that so many of us go through similar experiences, we all sometimes feel lost, we all sometimes battle things like internalised homophobia. Feeling all these things, while daunting, is quite frankly extremely normal. We are so lucky as the LGBT+ community that we get to build just that, a community! And it’s important that we are honest about these tribulations that sometimes come with being queer (where comfortable) so that we are not holding ourselves to an extremely high standard that doesn’t actually exist.
"It’s important that we are honest about these tribulations that sometimes come with being queer."
I guess I don’t really have a definitive answer to my opening question, not yet anyways. But what I do know is that without pressure, without paying mind to societal standards, I will work it out. Learning to love and accept ourselves unconditionally as queer people is a huge act of rebellion and one that will allow us to free ourselves from the shackles of not just society but our own minds. I have hope that every sapphic woman out there, no matter what age they had their personal ‘eureka moment’ is living with the knowledge that we are worthy of real, pure, unconditional love and in our own time we WILL find it, and if no one has told you that already, I just did.
Article Written By Onyx Uwandulu
(She/Her)
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